Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My life in a nutshell
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!