There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
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happy friday
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka