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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Found the job I’m suited for
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
moms in horror movies