The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.