HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
SCARY COSTUME
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Trumpy Cat
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.