Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex