Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever