If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.