Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭