I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
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interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”