Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby