Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
…u ok Nintendo?
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.