shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Good advice.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.