I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
They grow up so quick
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.