if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.