[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?