Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My dad.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals