– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
You Might Also Like
We decided to have money instead of children.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.