Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH