I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied