these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
emergency phone
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.