FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
🤣🤣🤣
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?