the last thing a carrot sees
You Might Also Like
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Mornin
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)