It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.