hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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Raisins are grape jerky.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*