I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
getting old is fun
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
when u come home smelling like another dog
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Great game to play with friends
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
they really do be looking like this