At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Damn what did I do next
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Brb my Sims are getting married
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.