Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Mouse
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.