You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*