her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.