Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.