When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past