“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it