Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
These work great until they don’t.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.