when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.