the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
You Might Also Like
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.