There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake