“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
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[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.