Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
The opposite of Iceland is water water
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.