I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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I already tried new things thanks.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!