Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
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[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Born to be mild.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.