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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!