GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.