another case of gang violins
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
it’s finally my moment to shine
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*