he was correct
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Made something I’m not proud of
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
unbelievably distressed by this ad
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family