FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
put ‘er there pardner!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?