*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Oh, I bet you would be
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead