[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I should have peed before I left and other things Iāll never learn: A memoir
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be āPersonally, I never liked this assholeā.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Friend: I canāt believe theyāre already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: āSleeping soothes the seethingā you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Neil Diamond: š¶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDSš¶
CDC: NO
Sitting on airplaneā¦. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I donāt know what I was thinking
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well š
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a āNew Year in Londonā party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central š
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: Iām thirsty
Dad: Iāmā¦thirsty
T: Iām hungry
D: Iāmā¦H…Hi Hungry, Iām Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, heās getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Canāt wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again