we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married