So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
doing some research
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.